I seriously disagree with you.
I went from zero solarwinds experience to full SCP certified, in less than 6 months. I used no professional training, no professional services, and nothing more than is available in documentation and on thwack. I've used several monitoring systems before and SW is pretty darn easy compared to most. I'm really not sure why you can't figure it out, but I'm guessing that's because you never intended to. Instead you came here solely to plug another product (which many of us chose NOT to use, deciding instead on SW).
You keep spouting off about ROI, but I see no investment from you. Yes, you claim to have invested $30,000, but you've not invested time in learning how to properly operate the product. Any properly calculated TCO would include hours invested learning to use the product, of which you obviously have none. There are zero monitoring products that do everything you want right out of the box with no intervention, so I'm not sure why you expect that from solarwinds....
Bottom line is, you don't really have a question to ask, and this really isn't the appropriate place to whine. If you're really this dissatisfied, I'm sure your account manager would be happy to talk to you about what is so wrong.